Some bad news and why in the past I self harmed

I’ve been feeling a little out of sorts today.  Not the grumpy type of “out of sorts”, just the type where you don’t feel quite right.  I couldn’t sleep much at all last night and when I did, I kept having vivid nightmares.  Same when I tried all morning to get more sleep.  I mean, I’ve been having a lot of nightmares since starting cymbalta, but they have been a lot worse the last week, but last night was the worst insomnia and most nightmares I’ve had in a long time.

A bit down

Today ended up being a bit of fizzer.  I missed an appointment with an occupational therapist from the pain management unit.  Not that I think she can do much but I’m willing to try anything for some relief from the chronic pain.  And tonight I missed going to the women’s aspergers group.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m going down with Rose’s throat infection (I think I am), or because of a killer toothache I’ve been too scared for the last week to call the dentist about, or if it’s just because my back and knee pain is out of control from the combination of work and the sudden cold snap, but I realised the last few days I’ve been sliding down emotionally.

Old posts April 2002

These posts come from a depression support forum I was a member of.  They were from a section about medications.  They start from the first time I went to hospital for my depression in April when I was suicidal and just sent me home with a medication I should never have been given and at a dangerously high dose.  I haven’t included other people’s posts for privacy reasons so if it feels like parts of conversations are missing, that is probably why.

My day and my current mental state

Most of my posts so far have focused on my history so I thought I’d write one about the present.

Normally on a Tuesday I’d be running around doing a million things.  It’s school holidays now, but during the school term I’d usually be going to a support group for mums with post natal depression. Tuesday afternoons has been time for therapy appointments.  So it was nice to have a quiet day.  Especially having my MIL here to watch Rose to get a few extra hours sleep.

John has left for interstate work conference and Jessie has left for home.  So it’s me, Rose, Sammie and MIL for a few days.  It will be weird having an all girl house for the week.  I think it will be fun but I’ll miss John a lot. 

My family

Well it’s been an interesting week.  My parents have my house left but will be back Thursday. My sister leaves tomorrow and my mother in law is staying til Friday.  Other than constantly bickering with each other, my parents were well behaved.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents, but there is a lot I don’t like about them.

Another old post following up some of the details on my previous post – September 2002

This post is a reply I wrote on a depression support forum to someone who was having a bad experience with her psychiatrist.  The file is dated 29th Sepember 2002 so I’m guessing it’s when I wrote it.  It shares some of what I went through in 2002 and some of my history up until that point.

A copy of a few old posts from May 2002 – self harm trigger warning.

First I thought I’d introduce the topic.  In 1997 I was diagnosed with major depression after severe depressive episodes.  I had a few more mild depressive episodes from 1998-2000 and in 2001 I began a long episode of severe depression, the worst episode I have ever had.  In early 2002 I was diagnosed as bipolar.  Later I was then misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder based solely on the symptom of self harming.  I have since had it repeatedly confirmed that I don’t have borderline PD, but the fact that I was misdiagnosed in 2002 is what led to the psychiatric abuse I suffered and being reminded of the misdiagnosis is very traumatising for me and is a trigger for my PTSD.

These posts are from I think my first or second admission to a  psych ward.

Psychologists, psychiatrists, misdiagnoses and understanding.

Well it’s been a long day.  I worked a morning shift today after an evening shift last night so very tired.  But I wanted to write before heading to bed.

So I was writing about the meeting with my case manager on Thursday, two days ago.  I probably should have started with my appointment with my psychiatrist on Tuesday.  I decided to ask my psychiatrist a big question that has been on my mind for years. In the last 13 years I have seen literally dozens of psychiatrists, psychiatric registrars, psychologists and more. I’ve had dozens of diagnoses, most of them being misdiagnoses.  At best, this has led to incorrect treatments, mostly it has led to no treatment, and sometimes it has led to mistreatment and outright abuse.

Psychologists x2 and an intro to my family

I thought today I’d write about my day.

It feels like a big day although really not all that much happened.

My family are visiting which is always a chaotic time and my relationship with them is rather complicated. I will explain why over time.  My family live interstate so they stay with us when they visit.  Even though my parents stay in caravan, my sister stays in the house in my older daughter’s room, so there is very little room.  We live in a very small three bedroom house (really only two bedrooms and a very small study my husband uses as his office), so things are very crowded.

Where to from here?

When I think about blogging, I run through in my mind exactly what I want to write about.  My mind is never quiet.  Racing thoughts are frequent.  But when I sit down in front of the computer? all those brilliant thoughts seem to run away from me.

Maybe if I share what is on my mind?