When I think about blogging, I run through in my mind exactly what I want to write about. My mind is never quiet. Racing thoughts are frequent. But when I sit down in front of the computer? all those brilliant thoughts seem to run away from me.
Maybe if I share what is on my mind? Right now it’s 2:30am. I should be in bed but can’t sleep. Not sleeping is normal for me. I suffer from fibromyalgia so sleep often escapes me. A combination of pain and the inability to get off to sleep and an inability to stay asleep which means I’m constantly exhausted. It’s probably worse tonight because this morning I woke up with a migraine and decided not to go to work and spent most of the day trying to sleep off the migraine so even though I’m tired, sleep just isn’t coming.
I feel guilty about taking the day off work, but at the moment, I work in an incredibly busy ward and there is no way I could have successfully functioned at work. It means no pay (the consequence of having used up all my sick days) which puts a strain on our family budget, which is just one more thing to feel guilty about, but I have to remind myself – I can only do what is in my power to do.
Feeling guilty is something I struggle with a lot. My psychiatrist believes it is part of having PTSD from complex trauma. All I know is it can be something that is difficult to deal with at times.
I am sorry to anyone reading this – I am not the best writer in the world when it comes to sharing my personal story. I am an introvert generally. Talking about me is embarrassing at the best of times. Talking about the tough things I’ve been through in life is painful. But I feel this need to get the story of my life out to try and find some peace.
But where do I begin my story? How do I begin my story? How do I make it worth reading?
I wish I knew.
I guess for now I should try and get some sleep. I have a wonderful baby girl (who I will call Rose in the blog, not her real name of course) who will be awake in five hours and I have a big day tomorrow ahead of us. She is 9 months and will be going for her monthly check up. And then I will be seeing my mental health case manager and then my psychologist (and her supervisor).
Seeing either will be difficult. Because of past experiences (which I will share one day), I don’t feel comfortable with male mental health professionals. My case manager is a male and I am hoping to get the courage up tomorrow to ask why the community mental health service chose him after I specifically requested a female. I had asked from someone else there and was simply told “because of his skill set” which doesn’t actually tell me anything. And then seeing my psychologist, even though she is female, her supervisor is male and even though he seems like a decent person the last time he sat in our session, he is still a man and male mental health professionals scare me no matter how nice they actually are.
Anyway, I guess I should get some sleep. Hopefully future entries will be more interesting for you, and thanks for reading.