Sleep problems, and mania, hypomania and mixed episodes

Well it would appear I’m not having the best day. Nothing major happened – pretty much nothing at all happened (not the housework, not church, not any of the other things I wanted to do today) because I was so tired. I was barely able to sleep at all again last night, and even trying to get some sleep during the day today was a total failure.  In the bipolar world though, I am pretty lucky.  I have heard from many others that even one sleepless night is enough to trigger a manic (or at least  hypomanic) episode for them. For me it’s the reverse – sleeplessness doesn’t lead to mania, but mania sure leads to sleeplessness.

My entire life  I have suffered sleep problems.

A bit down

Today ended up being a bit of fizzer.  I missed an appointment with an occupational therapist from the pain management unit.  Not that I think she can do much but I’m willing to try anything for some relief from the chronic pain.  And tonight I missed going to the women’s aspergers group.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m going down with Rose’s throat infection (I think I am), or because of a killer toothache I’ve been too scared for the last week to call the dentist about, or if it’s just because my back and knee pain is out of control from the combination of work and the sudden cold snap, but I realised the last few days I’ve been sliding down emotionally.

Old posts April 2002

These posts come from a depression support forum I was a member of.  They were from a section about medications.  They start from the first time I went to hospital for my depression in April when I was suicidal and just sent me home with a medication I should never have been given and at a dangerously high dose.  I haven’t included other people’s posts for privacy reasons so if it feels like parts of conversations are missing, that is probably why.

Medications

As well as owing my life to my husband and the support of a few good friends, medications have made a big difference in my life.

It was being on a medication called seroquel (an atypical “antipsychotic” that is approved for bipolar depression when other medications fail) that helped me have five settled years with no depression and only rare hypomanic episodes.  But unfortunately when I fell pregnant with Rose, the seroquel just stopped working.  Seroquel alone was enough for those five years but to get me to the point of being well, I’d had to take a combination of Luvox (an antidepressant) and lamictal (a mood stabiliser) in the year before.

My day and my current mental state

Most of my posts so far have focused on my history so I thought I’d write one about the present.

Normally on a Tuesday I’d be running around doing a million things.  It’s school holidays now, but during the school term I’d usually be going to a support group for mums with post natal depression. Tuesday afternoons has been time for therapy appointments.  So it was nice to have a quiet day.  Especially having my MIL here to watch Rose to get a few extra hours sleep.

John has left for interstate work conference and Jessie has left for home.  So it’s me, Rose, Sammie and MIL for a few days.  It will be weird having an all girl house for the week.  I think it will be fun but I’ll miss John a lot. 

My family

Well it’s been an interesting week.  My parents have my house left but will be back Thursday. My sister leaves tomorrow and my mother in law is staying til Friday.  Other than constantly bickering with each other, my parents were well behaved.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents, but there is a lot I don’t like about them.

How I feel about self harm

I came across an interesting post on another blog written by someone with bipolar about self harm.  The link is http://natashatracy.com/mental-illness-issues/self-harm/self-harm-heres-dont/ .

It sums up well how I feel when I’m depressed. I am not depressed all the time and I only struggle with thoughts of self harm when depressed.  But when I do struggle with the thoughts, it is overwhelming to deal with them.

In the last 8 years, I have only self harmed once, but at the end of last year/earlier this year during my severe antenatal/postnatal episode of depression, it was really hard not to give into it.

A lot of people don’t understand about self harm and I think this writer describes it well.

A few rambling thoughts – what it feels like to be different

I never know how to start my entries. I’d like my blog to be something profound, something interesting, something that makes a difference to others.  I want it to be something intelligent and useful.  But I don’t think it will be.  But I will continue to blog anyway.

I came up with the title of my blog because I feel unique.  I have also liked the saying “I’m unique, just like everyone else” because all humans are unique.  But I have always felt a little different from most people.

Another old post following up some of the details on my previous post – September 2002

This post is a reply I wrote on a depression support forum to someone who was having a bad experience with her psychiatrist.  The file is dated 29th Sepember 2002 so I’m guessing it’s when I wrote it.  It shares some of what I went through in 2002 and some of my history up until that point.

Psychologists x2 and an intro to my family

I thought today I’d write about my day.

It feels like a big day although really not all that much happened.

My family are visiting which is always a chaotic time and my relationship with them is rather complicated. I will explain why over time.  My family live interstate so they stay with us when they visit.  Even though my parents stay in caravan, my sister stays in the house in my older daughter’s room, so there is very little room.  We live in a very small three bedroom house (really only two bedrooms and a very small study my husband uses as his office), so things are very crowded.