Yet again, I’m sorry for the lack of posts.
It’s not forgetfulness (although that doesn’t help), it’s from being busy (although I’ve never been this busy in my life until the last few months and I’ve mostly been very busy in my life), it’s not any number of reasons I’d have for not posting that are both real and valid – it’s simply that it’s so hard to blog about trauma while actually going through living it.
John is still obsessed with trying to punish me for speaking up about the violence.
I titled this post because it really feels like his obsession will never end.
I have never understood the mind of an abuser – the obsession with making the victim pay for trying to speak up about the abuse. I don’t understand the desire to avoid responsibility. I mean, even amongst the average Joe-Citizens of the world, there seems to be a passion to avoid being help responsible for things. I don’t get it. Why don’t people just be honourable and own up to the things they have done wrong, either accidentally and deliberately, and just be done with the issue?
It’s like the time I got pulled over for speeding. I had been in a hurry, wasn’t thinking about what the speed limit was or how fast I had been going, and apparently had crept a few kph over the speed limit (12 or 13 if I remember right). I was pulled over and just explained to the officer I realised I must have been speeding, I hadn’t done it deliberately, but that I obviously had been or he wouldn’t have pulled me over, so I was sorry and will just take the ticket please. He actually thanked me for being polite as he’s so used to people taking out their anger at being caught on him.
That day I left wondering what is wrong with most people. Is taking responsibility for one’s screw-ups that rare amongst 21st century humans? Why do so many people lie to avoid being held responsible for the wrong they do? Why do they lash out at those they have hurt or those enforcing laws/morals?
I can understand disputing false accusations (eg using speeding as an example, if someone is pulled over for speeding but the camera or radar was giving false readings, it’s very okay to dispute it! In fact I would strongly commend those who do, because all authorities need accountability), I can understand those who have genuine reasons for doing something that would generally be considered “wrong”, that they there usually should be exceptions made (eg using speeding as an example again, if someone is having a heart attack, I can completely understand a driver breaking the speed limit to get that person to hospital before they die), therefore it’s okay to try to justify something, if the justification is legitimate.
But covering things up? Denying things? lying about it? even trying to make invalid excuses? (eg I didn’t like her trying to talk to me so I assaulted her, is one that I’ve heard many abusers use to justify assaulting victims, and one excuse John has tried to make and sadly several people in his life accept as “valid”).
I don’t understand it. Whatever happened to honour? Whatever happened to doing the right thing, telling the truth etc, simply because those are the honourable things to do?
It’s hard at times. It really is.