A copy of a few old posts from May 2002 – self harm trigger warning.

First I thought I’d introduce the topic.  In 1997 I was diagnosed with major depression after severe depressive episodes.  I had a few more mild depressive episodes from 1998-2000 and in 2001 I began a long episode of severe depression, the worst episode I have ever had.  In early 2002 I was diagnosed as bipolar.  Later I was then misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder based solely on the symptom of self harming.  I have since had it repeatedly confirmed that I don’t have borderline PD, but the fact that I was misdiagnosed in 2002 is what led to the psychiatric abuse I suffered and being reminded of the misdiagnosis is very traumatising for me and is a trigger for my PTSD.

These posts are from I think my first or second admission to a  psych ward. Back when I was still hopeful that the staff at the local hospital would help me.  I was so used to being treated badly that I mistook “not being abused” for “being nice”.  I wrote how staff were nice when in reality they were simply going through the motions and didn’t care about me as a person but to me, I guess though that was as nice as I was used to in life.

Now is probably a time to mention that the husband I discuss isn’t my current husband.  My current husband, John, is my second husband.  I was married before for 8 years.  My first husband, Andrew (not his real name), suffers from severe borderline personality disorder. Sudden huge mood swings, severe anger problems, paranoia and he would often fly into violent psychotic rages where he would physically abuse me.  I loved him dearly and a lot of his problems are related to his mental illness, but he chose to use illicit drugs instead of medication to deal with his borderline PD and when he lashed out at our daughter (my older daughter, Sammie) in a violent psychotic rage, I asked him to leave until he was off drugs and in treatment for his BPD.  He chose not to.  I will write more on that one day.

Sadly at the time I wrote these posts, I was so depressed from begging for help and being told to just chill out and think happy, I had begun self harming and was severely depressed and not in a good headspace.  I should have been admitted to hospital a month or so earlier when I first went to the public hospital instead of just being dumped on medications that made me worse.  But they never took me seriously at that particular hospital. They just dismiss all young (under 30 years old) women with thoughts of self harm as “borderline” and “attention seeking” even if they don’t have the symptoms of borderline PD and are the least attention seeking people in the world.

The following is  cut and paste of my posts exactly (only removing one word for swearing):

“This is going to sound so stupid”

May 26 2002, 01:54 PM

I know this will sound so stupid but i want to go into hospital. i feel like it is the only place i will be safe. In the last 10 days i have overdosed badly twice and cut myself to shreds. Yet as soon as i am ok medically they send me home.
i need protection from myself but all they can do is say relax, breathe deeply exercise, write a journal, etc – like as if i haven’t spent the last six years trying those many many times without success. the only things that help are out of my reach of doing (unless someone has a spare piano lying around the housre – playing piano is the only other way i have of expressing my sadness that helps).
why do i want to go to hospital? i don’t understand. surely it is the last thing i would want. maybe i am just crazy. i hate me.
and even when i have been admitted overnight when i overdosed my husband couldn’t cope with our baby. if i go to hospital he would do something really stupid to him or my little angel and he would end up in hospital or jail. so i can’t. not that they would even let me.
the nurses do everything they can to discourage people from even coming in just to see a psychiatrist.
i told them. i told them i was going to overdose and that i was going to cut. they just said their stupid suggestions and when i said i had tried they said they couldn’t help anymore and hung up. they tried their hardest to tell me that if i came in, that it was too difficult to get a psychiatrist in at night and that i wasn’t worth it.
how does this help someone who might kill themselves?
i don’t want to die at all. i am not suicidal. but sometimes i just want to hurt or to forget or just to sleep and when i can’t i take more pills or cut more until i feel better and sometimes i just go to far before i realise what i am doing.
i am scared i might kill myself accidently but no one wants to help and no one wants to know. they just say wait wait wait until my next appointment. what do i do now???
i am sorry for this rave but i need to let it out
May 26 2002, 04:15 PM

i am too scared to say to them i think i need to go in.. too many times they have refused to see me so if they won’t see me how can i even talk to them about it?
i am too scared and such a stupid idiot

“Negative thoughts”

May 27 2002, 10:46 PM

i am sorry to be so negative. all the know it all doctors and shrinks and nurses and counsellors seem to think positive thoughts are easy. they tell me to use them to cancel out and stop the negative ones.
it doesn’t work when i am depressed. does anyone else feel this way?
i honest can think of positive thoughts – but each one comes with either twice as many negative ones or each positive thought doesn’t counteract the bad one.
eg. i think positive – i have a loving daughter and husband. but the negatives one come – my daughter loves my husband more, i can’t cope with looking after her, my husband can’t be threre when i need because his own problems are too great. and even when i don’t think them my thought patterns goes down the road with things like if i hurt myself my daughter will never know, it won’t hurt her, etc.
how can i counteract thoughts like that?
i keep asking the doctors that and they are stumped.
they say try anyway.
even when it does work, the negative thoughts come back within minutes anyway and they grow stronger each time.
i want them to go away. i don’t want the strength to fight – i want the need to have to fight to go away.
does this make sense?

“Maybe they are right, maybe no one can help”

May 28 2002, 11:29 PM

i keep seeing more people like shrinks and doctors and nurses and other such professionals every time i feel like doing stupid stuff or actually do stupid stuff.
my husband thinks i need hospital to stay safe. i know i can’t guarantee i won’t do anything stupid but maybe the hospital is right when they say taking me in won’t do anything to stop me from doing it and they can’t do much to help me.
so if they can’t help and no one else can help and i am so sad i can’t help myself, what is left?
May 30 2002, 04:27 PM

oh well i am in hospital and doesn’t help. they messed up my medication last night. I have been diagnosed with borderline persolity disorder which i definitely don’t have – i discussed it with the two shrinks at length and all they kept coming back to is my self harm – they wouldn’t listen to me about that being just part of my depression. but they are doctors therefore they must be smarter than me – NOT!!!
but thanks for caring people. i will write more when i am out. – i can only write briefly sorry.

“Nothing seems to help”

May 30 2002, 04:20 PM

I have five minutes. All the time I am allowed out of hospital to get ready for a job interview. The doctor doesn’t think I am up to it and neither do I, but missing out on the job of a lifetime is more stressful than going to the interview so they let me out – just long enough to go home, change, drive there and then go back to hospital.
So anyway I am in hospital – voluntary of course – not that they give you much choice. I have to go back tonight even though i don’t want to and I have to go home tomorrow ready or not. not that being there is helping. the doctors and nurses just tell me all the same things they told me before i went in – relax and distract myself and talk to someone if i feel i can’t control the urge to hurt myself.
i did. i told them. they said that is nice go rest for a while. so i did and i hurt myself. and they said that is not good take some valium go away. who cares if valium makes me feel more depressed?
so i am angry and sad and frustrated. they still don’t listen and they still don’t help – just tell me the only person who can make me better now is myself. well myself isn’t helping anyway.
anyway i had to let this out. i won’t know what anyone else thinks until tomorrow – if they let me out.
May 31 2002, 12:14 PM

job interview went terrific. don’t know if i will get it though.
hospital didn’t work though. didn’t help one bit. i hurt myself the first night and the nurses were mad but the doctor didn’t even talk about it the next day. so after my job interview i tried to kill myself so the nurses checked up on me all night and all the doctor did the next morning is look to see how much damage i had done, said i was better and sent me home, so here i am – more lost and confused than ever. all hospital did was let me meet my doctor who misdiagnosed what i have got, they stuffed me full of valium when i didn’t want it and wouldn’t let me have the one time i needed it. And now they are trying to get rid of me into the private system which i can’t afford. that and they might not write me a letter for uni saying i can’t cope with it because they think i can. so what i can i say. **** the hospital and all the doctors and nurses. they are nice but they don’t help.

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