Fed Up!

Well apparently I didn’t hit send on last night’s post but I’m too annoyed to bother writing it tonight.

I’d have thought John wouldn’t be able to be as abusive once we were no longer married.  But I thought wrong.

He can’t be physically abusive anymore, but his manipulative emotional abuse, harassment, abusing the kids emotionally, causing chaos and mayhem in their lives, etc, are all escalating, not decreasing.

Yet, like most narcissists, he likes to pretend he is the victim no matter how much he tries to hurt the kids and I.

Tonight’s manipulative game?  He’s dragging out things like trying to arrange for him to spend some time with Sammie tomorrow so she doesn’t feel neglected by him, for hours, keeping me awake when I have to get up ridiculously early in the morning for work these days thanks to the abusive interim custody arrangement he demanded until I can actually take it to court in a few months.

I’m sick of his abusive games, so I’ve said I want to take arrangements for minor things like this to a mediator and he won’t even give a simple yes or no about if he’s willing to do it.

It’s been over four hours he’s been dragging this out.  A simple yes or no question of whether he is willing to do it or not.

But apparently giving a straight answer (or any answer that is relevant to the question) would be to give up an opportunity for him to try to abuse and control me.

I can’t make him see it’s the kids he’s destroying.

Or what scares me is fear that he does see it and that’s exactly why he does it – because he knows hurting them is the only way to hurt me.

Despite everything he has done to Sammie and Rose and me, I still want to give him the benefit of the doubt when there is any doubt.

I want to believe he is just acting like a spoilt child, not a cold calculating monster.  I want to believe he’s not deliberately trying to destroy the kids – I want to believe that he is blind to the damage to the kids that his spiteful attempts to abuse and control me through them cause.  I want to believe his abuse of the kids and I are just the tantrums of an angry toddler who has been caught out doing the wrong thing but instead of saying sorry to their mummy and daddy, they lash out violently instead.  I want to believe his motivations are anger, feeling entitled, selfishness, and a lack of cognitive empathy.

But deep down I’m finding it harder to believe that.

Deep down, I’m scared that the truth is that it’s real empathy he lacks (a total lack of care for the damage his actions have on those around him, versus just the inability to notice the impact his actions have).  I’m scared he’s well aware of the damage he is doing to the kids, and that he is doing it because he knows the only way to hurt me is to hurt my kids.  I’m scared that his narcissism isn’t just mild – I’m scared that he has no sense of right and wrong – especially since I know for sure he has no sense of what is abuse and what isn’t, or more precisely thinks someone simply voicing a different opinion to him is “abusing” him, but that him violently assaulting someone because he’s in a bad mood (even his own child) is perfectly acceptable behaviour and not abuse.

Either way…. how do I get him to stop emotionally destroying the kids?  Whether it’s deliberate to hurt me, or simply because he doesn’t care if they are collateral damage in his obsession with getting revenge on me for speaking up about his violence, how do I get him to stop?

The things I haven’t yet found the words, or the time, to write about is the disgustingly evil things he has done to wrangle shared custody until I can get a court hearing in a few months.  And how child protective services have taken the view that unless a “professional” witnesses his abuse of the kids, then it’s “up to the family court to decide”.  So until I can get a hearing date, he can keep abusing the kids unchecked.  It doesn’t matter how many people come forward with complaints of his abuse of the kids, family, friends, neutral third parties, etc… basically if they are not a “professional” considered relevant to child protective services, then CPS isn’t interested.

So he gets away with it.

I just wish I knew whether his emotions were that of an angry little boy lashing out impulsively, or a calculating, misogynistic, narcissistic grown man.  And I’m truly terrified that all the evidence points to the latter.

How does one deal with someone so hell bent on revenge?

I don’t know – all I know is the things I’ve already had him do very deliberately, whether he sees how much they hurt the kids or not, absolutely terrify me.  I just want him to leave us alone.  It’s all I want.

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