Still not back at work and really stressed

So I’m still not back at work yet.  I feel like I should never have listened to the shift manager who told me to go down the medical route.  All I wanted was to rest my back for a few days and go back to work.  But now I have to jump through a whole heap of hoops.  Have to see the work physio, have to get a return to work plan, may have to change wards to something “lighter” (as if there is anything “lighter” when you work in nursing).   And being an exascerbation of a pre existing injury, my unit manager keeps pushing not to apply for workers compensation because they probably won’t pay.

Short term, I don’t care about the money.  I just want to get back to work and keep my job.  Of course long term I’m going to have to have an income, but I want to earn it, not get it from compensation.  I miss my job a LOT.  Even though I suffer from chronic pain and exhaustion, I can’t cope with doing nothing endlessly.  It’s the ADHD.  I can’t just do “nothing”.  I have to be active.  I need both the mental and physical stimulation of doing something useful with my life.  I’ve worked long and hard to be a nurse, and I don’t want that ripped away from me now I have a good job.

I was so sure I didn’t want to work in aged care when I graduated, but being back working with elderly people, I’m reminded of all the things I loved about my job – I like working with old people in general.  The only thing I didn’t like was bossy RNs telling me what to do (now I am the RN!) and only being able to do the menial tasks (now I’m an RN I can do the interesting stuff).  I felt comfortable in the ward I started in 2ish months ago.  I could see myself working there long term (if I was offered a job there when my current contract is up).  But now it looks like I won’t have the opportunity.  They want me to transfer to somewhere that isn’t as physically demanding.  I’m not sure there is anything less physically demanding job, but even if there is, I liked the ward I was in.  It may not have been something I would have picked, but now I’m there, I really like it.  Probably even more than my last ward (and I really liked the last ward).

So that’s where things are at.  I’m really sad and worried.  Not depressed or anxious.  Depression and anxiety are an illness.  Sad and worried are feelings.  There is a big difference and the reality is, I think anyone in my situation (looking at whether you may have to give up the job you love in the career you love because of health reasons) would be sad and worried.

Other than that, there really isn’t much to talk about.  We still don’t know if we’re going to buy the house we want to buy.  We’ve had a few setbacks financially – partly because of me being off work so much this year so far.  Nothing that can’t be overcome (we think) but it’s going to take a while to sort out.  On the plus side, the sellers are having just as many issues on their end so it doesn’t look like we’re in danger (yet) of missing out on the house we want.  It’s just a matter of deciding whether we should buy now, or put it off and hope that something equally as good comes up when I’m (hopefully) back at work and managed to pay off the debts we’re racking up while I’m not working (and of course the gap for the physio I’m seeing which isn’t cheap – but certainly worth it).

Anyway, I’ll wrap it up there tonight.  I have had some interesting developments from seeing a private physiotherapist but just not really feeling like talking much tonight.  Just wanted to check in and let people know I’m still alive, still going to be blogging but just tired and stressed and nothing much to say.

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