Tears

I loved my grandmother very dearly. Actually I loved all my grandparents very dearly. Each time one of them passed, it took several days before I could cry and even then, it was only brief moments. I couldn’t drop the stoic mask no matter how much I wanted to. But I felt like crying – many times, lots of tears, over the days and weeks after their passing.

But this time it is different. Other than a brief moment now, I have not felt like crying. I think my current medication is totally deadening my emotional range. I feel sad, but not as much as my head tells me my heart should feel. I don’t have tears that I’m holding back. I know I’m deeply affected because I’ve been having constant migraines and feel constantly stressed and on edge.

Usually I would want to cry and be unable. But this time I just don’t have the urge to cry. I feel guilty that I’m not giving my grandmother the grieving she deserves since I don’t have the urge to cry. And I don’t know how to fix it.

And it’s not just that either. I don’t feel much emotion about anything. I have no desire for sex which is highly unusual for me. I don’t feel like doing anything. But it’s not because I’m too depressed or anything. I just feel emotionless. No desire to do anything, no ability to feel much of anything.

I know the emotions are there though. They are coming out physically in the migraines and other physical manifestations. But I don’t “feel” the emotions.

This started when I started valdoxan to try to help me sleep about 5 or 6 weeks ago. It hasn’t helped my sleep yet, but I don’t want to give up on it yet. I figure at this stage I’ll wait until I see my psych next and see what she says. But honestly, if it doesn’t start helping me sleep and keeps totally numbing my emotions, there is no point to continuing it. The cymbalta is managing my depression fine. I don’t need the valdoxan. I was just really hoping it would help my sleep.

I just want my normal emotional range back. Sadness isn’t always a bad thing. I think I need to feel it to properly say goodbye to my grandmother.

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