Well tonight was fun. I went to a christmas party for the aspergers women’s group I went to a meeting for last month (and hopefully will keep going to next year). I got to meet one of the staff of the organisation who runs it that I haven’t met before and spent most of the night chatting to another lady with aspergers who is an advocate I really look up to. Better still, John came with me. Which is a big thing for him as he is a major introvert and isn’t really someone who is into socialising and partying. I think maybe knowing most people there had aspergers (or carers of people who do) was reassuring for him.
We also took Rose who was beautifully behaved and loved the chatter and socialising. And thankfully is now sleeping heavily. Last night we had a bit of a bad night with her. She kept waking up and crying, so in the end I let her sit on my lap for half an hour and just cuddle while I was able to read emails I had neglected over the weekend being busy with work. She wouldn’t close her eyes, but she just cuddled up to me very contentedly.
I was able to get a beautiful selfie of her and I cuddling. One of the things I really enjoy doing is taking photos of my girls. Between the depression and medication and everything else, my memory isn’t that great, so I love regularly taking photos of Rose and Sammie so I can remember all the little occasions of them growing up. While I don’t take photos of “sad” or “angry”, I love nothing more than catching all their other emotions on camera. The photo of Rose last night just captured “sleep but content” and “safe” perfectly.
One interesting thing is a facebook friend of mine who often reads what I post commented she didn’t even know I had a baby. I must admit I found it kind of cute. Given the chance, I’d talk about my children day and night, but I’ve chosen on facebook to try to not be one of those parents who live through their kids and write a status update every five minutes on every single thing their kids do, or to upload a thousand photos a day. (Although I did go nuts uploading photos for the first few weeks!). But now I wonder if I’ve been too careful and not shared as much of the love I have for my children, and the joy they bring, simply so I don’t offend friends who think having children is offensive (I have a few of them) or so I don’t hurt those who can’t have kids or are trying to conceive and struggling.
And it has made me realise that maybe in some ways I’m still basing my life too much on what others think and not on what is healthy for me and best for my family. I am well aware that in life that trying to please everyone usually ends up pleasing no one, but it’s a habit that is hard to break free from. I am proud of the fact that over the last few years I have made huge strides in this area. But I guess now I just have to work on the little things where I still try to placate a few vocal friends (or family members in some cases) when maybe it’s time to focus on what is best for me and my family – and I think that it will probably please most of my friends and family too.
I know it’s a little too early for new year’s resolutions, so lets call this a new month’s resolution. I resolve from now on to share more of the joy my children and husband bring me with my family and friends, particularly on facebook. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but I know Sammie appreciates it and I’m sure Rose will when she’s bigger. And living so far from my family and inlaws and majority of my friends, I know they will definitely appreciate seeing and hearing about more of the kids.
I am really blessed to have a wonderful little family, and I need to stop worrying about offending people with it. I am really content in life at the moment, and I want to be able to celebrate that with my friends. I know some of my friends are doing it tough, but most of them know most of what I’ve been through in the past (at the very least they know I’ve struggled severely with depression) and I want those who are struggling right now to know that if I can find happiness and contentment, that if they hang in there, so can they one day find the same.
Plus, I’m sure one day I will struggle with depression and I guess I want my future self to know that after even the worst of times, I can find happiness and contentment too.