So much pain :(

I was hoping to continue my series about my experience with being a survivor of domestic violence with white ribbon day tomorrow but unfortunately I’ve really hurt myself over the last few days.  Taking Sammie bowling for her birthday on saturday was so much fun but I hurt my bad knee in the process, limping on sunday hurt my “good” (ie not quite as bad) knee, and the pain from those has completely messed up my back today at work.  Sammie also hurt my shoulder accidentally last thursday and work today made it much worse.

I feel so old.  I had an appointment with the knee specialist today to have another round of cortisone injections done in my knee to try and delay getting my knees replaced (because that will highly likely end my nursing career altogether).  I got to be an “interesting” case example for a student working with him today.  It was interesting for me because he explained everything in all my scans very thoroughly and didn’t dumb it down.  I must admit I couldn’t follow all the stuff he was showing on the MRIs, but the xrays were very interesting and I could follow everything he said about them.

It was also really good because he had a graph of hard statistics about the success (ie length of time needed to needing it done again) of knee replacements versus the age they are done at.   In some ways it wasn’t quite the failure rate I was expecting, so it was kind of reassuring, but at the same time, it’s also not good so trying to delay it until I can’t function anymore.

I just feel bad because I’ve had to call in sick for work tomorrow because I can barely walk.  I’m hoping I can walk enough to keep my doctor’s appointment tomorrow though.  I just feel especially bad because I have an important assessment I was supposed to do in the morning and worried that they might fire me because it will be at least two months before it can rescheduled and because I’m only part time, I’m already overdue for this assessment.  People keep reassuring me they can’t fire a person for taking a genuine sick day, but sadly I know they can (or can force people to resign which is basically the same thing).  I’ve had to leave several jobs because of my health and I can’t bear the thought of losing this once.  I love nursing.

So that’s my fear.  But there is no way I could work tomorrow.  I barely survived today I was in so much pain.  I know some of the facilitators at work (the people who I was supposed to do my assessment with in the morning) have been really understanding of missing work days due to genuine ill health, but it doesn’t stop me from worrying that they’ll eventually get sick of it, especially since I’m only part time. And this is the first time I’ve missed something really important.  But all I can do is hope and pray they will be understanding – and I have explained to them why I’m missing work.

At least the one good thing to come out of it is John won’t have to miss work to look after Rose tomorrow (as he was originally going to have to) because he’s out of personal leave and since he gets paid more than me, it’s a bigger blow if he has a day off unpaid compared to if I do.  I know it will be harder than usual when I can barely walk, but the advantage of not going to work is that I can take strong painkillers.  I’m just plain too scared to take them on work days in case I ever make a mistake at work because I don’t want people to blame the painkillers – if I make a mistake it will because I’m tired or stressed – painkillers don’t effect me mentally, but proving that would be difficult so it’s easier to just endure the pain than deal with the potential professional consequences of taking strong painkillers at work.

She’s a good girl though.  She crawls around everywhere super fast so thankfully she won’t need much picking up – which is good because she’s getting to be a heavy little girl now!

Anyway, I guess it’s time for me to try and see if I can sleep tonight.  Not feeling very well  at all (and not just from the pain).  Hopefully I’ll wake up refreshed and in less pain in the morning.  Wishing all my readers a good, restful sleep too.

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