Struggling tonight

So tonight is a struggle.  Got up super early for a morning shift at work this morning, only to find out I’d written down my roster wrong a month ago and the rest of my roster was out by one day.  So I wasn’t on this morning but I am rostered on Tuesday which presents a huge problem – I have several important medical appointments on Tuesday.  I had considered asking for the day off since they are medical appointments and are urgent and necessary but then I remembered I have an assessment for work booked on Tuesday morning and I won’t get another opportunity to do it for two months and potentially they could fire me for having a delay that long and I don’t want to lose my job.

Just another stressful situation where only I can decide what choice to make but either way, I’ll be the one who suffers.  I don’t mean that in a pessimistic way though – just a realistic way.   It just sucks to be faced with a lose-lose situation.  But I guess we all face them in life from time to time.  All we can do is try to pick the situation with the least loss and hope we have chosen the right one.

It’s not why tonight is a struggle.  I’ve got a lot better at decision making in the last few years – decisions that only effect me I mean – I’m still terrible at making decisions that impact other people.  When a decision only effects me, I might take a while to decide, but afterwards I’m usually pretty at peace with it, even if it was the wrong decision because ultimately, no one else suffers.  I only get anxious when making decisions that could effect my husband or my children or others.  And when I say anxious, I mean VERY anxious.  But whatever I decide, I’m at peace with it.  More than likely I’ll just cancel my appointments on Tuesday because what’s a few more months of extra pain?  It’s better than risking losing my job.

But tonight is a struggle because I’m so tired and run down still.  I am battling a headache and total exhaustion constantly for the last few weeks now.  Not just my normal exhaustion level, but a “flare up” of exhaustion and pain.  I’m really struggling to cope with it.  Particularly when I also can’t seem to sleep.  I don’t think I slept at all last night.  Just tossed and turned all night.  Got a few hours sleep this morning when I went back to bed before it got too unbearably hot (even with airconditioning running at full power) but it feels like the more exhausted I get, the less I’m able to sleep which means I’m even more exhausted – it’s a vicious circle.

Anyway, I’m going to try to get some sleep.  I have another morning shift tomorrow so have to be up bright and early – I’m pretty sure I won’t feel bright, but it’s definitely going to be early.  Wish me luck!

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