I was looking around facebook and came across this article on having Aspergers and dissociation. Written by a lady who has aspergers, bipolar, childhood abuse and dissociation. I read it and if I wasn’t so exhausted, I’d have cried.
For the first time ever in my entire life I have found someone who I feel truly understands my mind.
I rarely have autistic meltdowns, but that’s mainly because I dissociate and shut down as soon as I start feeling the painful emotions. But other than that, I could have written word for word what this lady has written. I haven’t read the rest of her blog (although apparently I “liked” it some time back), but I plan to read more very soon.
The link to the post on Aspergers and Dissociation is http://notesoncrazy.com/2014/10/turning-off/#comment-963
I think I am genuinely in shock to find a mind anything like my own. My blog title “journey into a unique mind” is because I have never found anyone like me in life. I’ve met a handful of people who come vaguely close to being like me, but even they are rare.
Call me silly, but I actually feel something akin to hope that I’m not the only person like me out there in this world that seems so full of people who are like each other but not like me.
The funny thing is, until earlier this year, I didn’t even know I had dissociative episodes even though I had been having them at least half my life. I knew I had them, but I didn’t realise that’s what they were. In the past, when I had dissociated, most people didn’t notice and just thought I was distracted, my exhusband noticed and used to abuse me for it, my family just thought I had selective hearing/was ignoring them, and professionals either just plain didn’t notice or wrote it off as attention seeking. Even though I was completely stunned by the label of dissociation earlier this year, all of a sudden so many things made sense.
I think back throughout the last 12 and a half years since I first sought professional help for my mental health, and how much difference it would have made if someone ANYONE had picked up my dissociative episodes and done something. But even when I dissociated so badly I became catatonic at one stage, I was just labelled as faking. And that still hurts to this day. I never lied about my symptoms, I never faked, I never even exaggerated. I was always totally honest, but because I didn’t fit into some easy, neat little box, I was written off as a lying, attention seeking fake. And as I said, that still hurts to this day.
And now I finally have so much I want to write about after being too tired earlier but I really need to head to bed. If anyone out there ever does remotely feel the same as me, please put your hand up and say hi – I wouldn’t wish what I’ve been through on anyone, but if anyone feels the same as me, I’d love to hear from you and let you know that you are not alone, and know that I am not alone.