Too tired

Sorry too tired for a proper post tonight.  Rose was sicker today  so I got a home visiting doctor to come see her while I was at work today.  After finally turning up after six hours, the doctor told my parents to take her to hospital. After three messy hours of me trying to find some way to get Rose to the hospital (my parents’ car has no clips for baby seats), while having a very busy shift at work, my mother arranged a non-urgent ambulance transport for her about an hour before I finished work.  Unfortunately she didn’t give them our insurance details so we may be hit with a bill of around $1000. I hope we can sort it out as our insurance does cover ambulance transport.

So after work I trudged downstairs at the hospital I work at and sat in emergency with my mum and Rose until we were seen.  It’s not to serious – she has a viral chest infection and croup and they gave her a steroid medication for her chest.  The doctor said it may take a few weeks to get better (she’s already been sick three weeks and this is the fourth doctor she has seen) and that the steroid won’t help her get better quicker, but it should mean she won’t be as sick.  I just hope she gets better soon.

She’s finally asleep and finally staying asleep so it’s time for me to try and get some sleep.  I can’t remember the last time I was this tired.  Thankfully I’m not working tomorrow.  I spoke to the coordinator who replaces people who need personal leave tonight when she called to say one of the night shift nurses wasn’t coming in (I figured it was easier than trying to call later as the coordinator can be hard to get hold of) and just explained I didn’t know how long we’d be sitting in emergency with Rose so to please replace me in the morning.  I feel bad missing another day – I feel like I’m failing my colleagues when I take personal leave (whether it’s because I’m sick or one my daughters is sick), I also get really anxious that my unit manager will look negatively on me for it, and I also just hate the fact I feel like I’m failing my family financially.  I miss out on the weekend shift loading (an extra 75% on sundays) and because I have no personal leave, I won’t get paid anything at all (not even my base rate).

But the truth is, I couldn’t do it  Not on two hours sleep.  Even if Rose hadn’t gone to hospital, she’d still have been awake and crying half the night from being sick.  Even if she miraculously didn’t wake at all, I’d still have only got five hours sleep at best.  With the pain I’m in and the lack of sleep over the last week, I’m just really glad to have taken tomorrow off.

It still doesn’t stop me from guilty and sad about it though.  I hate failing my family financially and I hate letting down my colleagues and boss.  I keep telling myself, I’ve tried my hardest and I can’t help having a sick baby, but I’m just feeling like I’ve let everyone down.

Anyway, I just really miss John.  I could do with a hug right now. I’d love nothing more than to lie down on his chest and fall asleep (preferably for a really long time).  But thankfully he’ll be home tomorrow and I’m really looking forward to it.

Sorry my post has been so rushed tonight and I hope it made sense.  When I’m this tired, I don’t make a lot of sense.  Actually I’m not sure I ever make sense, but I know when I’m tired I make less sense.  But I have written my daily post, and off to bed I go.

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