June 2002

So I’m still too tired to write a post so I’ll post another series of old forum posts, this time from June 2002.

June 2002 was a horror time for me.  Lots of short hospital admissions which only made me worse because of abusive staff.  Being told lots of lies and half truths, everything I did twisted to fit their preconceived notions.  To this day, I am still terrified of hospital because of how I was treated in 2002.  12 years later I still suffer from PTSD that began in June 2002.  It was when the verbal, emotional and psychiatric abuse started, but even that wasn’t the worst of the abuse.  That came later.  But here goes with then:

hospitals and psychiatrists, stuff the whole system Posted: Jun 4 2002, 06:21 PM

do i sound angry? maybe a little sarcastic?
i have been in hospital a week now. i am home on overnight leave – if i “behave” the doctor will say i can stay home permanently tomorrow morning when i see her. not that they have a choice – i am still voluntary and can walk out whenever i want – i just don’t want to **** them off s  o much that they don’t help me anymore.
not that they have helped me anyway.
i went in wednesday because the psychiatrist told me i would get to meet “the team” – the psychiatrist (a registrar unfortunately), the psychiatrist consultant (my psych’s boss), a social worker,, nurses, etc.  and that they would help me and i would go home friday.  but of course all i saw was the stupid psychiatrists and nurses who told me all kinds of lies and half truths and never gave me and coping strategies, stuffed up my medication on the first night and sent me home friday with no way of coping.
so what did i do? figured what the ####, they don’t care, overdosed and ended up straight back there. overnight they said. but then i found out that they told family services i was neglecting my daughter – i would rather die than ever neglect my daughter.  so they said stay one more night and then just stay til monday to see the social worker and my psychiatrist (because she wasn’t there on weekend).
so i waited and saw the psych who said she didn’t want me to go home and would arrange for me to see the social worker on in the afternoon – so i came back, saw the psych, never got to see the promised social worker – the psych just said stay another night and see the social worker in the morning. so i though, bugger it, and tried again.  so they said naughty naughty, patched me up and gave me some valium sent me to bed. this morning – still no social worker so i asked the nurse what the #### was going on and he said nothing about it was written in my chart and nothing was going to done unless i ask them. so i did. so i finally i got to see the social worker. only briefly but she will ask to see me regularly and she actually gave a ****
which is more than anyone else in that stupid hospital.
so after seven days  i am home – only on overnight leave but if i promise i am good they will let me go tomorrow. i mean why would they want to stop me? i did more harming in hospital in one week than i have in the last year of being severely depressed.  all i got from them was nasty nurses who made fun of me and psychiatrists who told family services i was neglecting my daughter which is complete utter bull ****
. i would never ever neglect her or hurt her.  i hate them. how can i keep seeing a doctor who lies to me, tells lies about me and treats me like i am retarded when my IQ is literally probably double hers?
sorry if i sound angry. i am.
at least i got one good thing. after not being allowed to take my medication for four days after the overdose (and then they wonder why i am suicidal) today i am finally allowed to take it again and they have changed the dose so i can take it twice a day – something i wanted from the first day i went into hospital.
Posted: Jun 4 2002, 06:58 PM

sounds just like the other hospital in my area. i take an overdose and they just send me home when i could walk.  at least this time they pretended to give me a choice to stay in hospital (they wouldn’t have let me go if i had chosed to)
just depends on the hospital – they all suck in their own way
Posted: Jun 6 2002, 02:10 PM

i know what you mean. because i ask them to discuss things with me instead of at me, I get called difficult and because of the they label me with having borderline personality disorder.  before i got discharged yesterday I tried sitting down with my psych and asking her why they give me that label and they said because of hurting myself and because of my so- called behaviour while in hospital – ie because i told the nurse when i didn’t like their treatment which included one nurse making fun of plans of studying to be a psychiatrist one day and because i am “unstable” in my relationships with people – even though they saw how stable i was with friends and family who visited – when i ask why they said because i am in an unstable realtionship with my husband – i just couldn’t make them see that just because  he is mentally unstable and can be abusive doesn’t make me unstable for staying with him – their response was the nurses heard me yelling at him on the phone one night – because he was on a mobile and couldn’t hear me!!!!!!
i would ask for another shrink but apparently she is only a registrar and moves on in six weeks when i will get a new one anyway (although the new one i get will still be under the same consultant who was the one labelled me BPD in the first place).
I checked out asking to be referred to another treatment team at the mental health centre and they said i have to ask my shrink for a referral to someone else which she will refuse to do unless it is a private shrink which i can’t afford and the earliest opening is the end of July anyway.
i hate the system so much. even i move to another area and therefore go to another community mental health centre, they will send my details along with my incorrect diagnosis there anyway. so now i am stuck with a wrong diagnosis and where ever i go it will follow me.
the only way i can change psychiatrist is by moving or seeing a private one – neither of which i can afford.
[name removed] – who did you complain to? and how did they change you to another hospital? they won’t do it in brisbane as far as i have tried to do it.
does anyone know of anyone we can complain to about our treatment via email?
i just have problem about knowing which nurses to complain about because they don’t let patients know their last names, several have the same names and they kept me full of valium up to my eyeballs so i have forgotten most of their names anyway – except the nice nurses so that doesn’t help.

:(, i quit Posted: Jun 4 2002, 06:57 PM

i had job interview this week – got so worked up i needed valium before hand and the psych nearly didn’t let me go. it went great – so great they said i was over qualified and would put my resume back in the pile for when a more suitable job came up. in other words – piss off we don’t want you. not that i cared – the hours and pay were crap.
but that is not why i am sad. I QUIT UNI. there – i said it, it is real. i can’t take it back. i have never quit anything before. i mean it is not quite quitting because i am going back next semester. but it means i did a whole semester for nothing – all because i cracked up and fell apart and couldn’t do a few lousy assignments due this week.
i hate myself so much.  my scholarship won’t cover next semester. i won’t graduate this semester – two semesters in a row i have failed to graduate. last semester because i have failed a subject and this one because i quit.
i hate me

why i hate my shrink, this should make sense now Posted: Jun 8 2002, 09:02 PM

I have had bipolar disorder for six years and cyclothymic disorder and social phobia all my life.  I have only been seeing people about it for two months now but the psychiatrist that I have seen at least agrees with the above.
There is one other problem, when i am depressed i get thoughts – usually of hurting myself and actually do it sometimes – I think it may be OCD but i am not entirely sure and haven’t had a chance to discuss the possibility with my psychiatrist but as my mum has the exact same problems as me and she has bipolar disorder and OCD (which she was diagnosed with for her thoughts).
The first time i went to the hospital when i couldn’t cope and was going to do something to myself, the nurse sent me home with sleeping tablets and booked me into see a pscyhiatrist weeks later. The second time I went in, I was abused by a nurse, and after waiting to be assessed, it turned out she was the nurse who assessed me.  Because people scare me so much, especially abusive people, I was a stuttering nervous wreck when i tried to talk to her.  She thought i was just being difficult and irritable (not just scared out of mind) and wrote that she thought I might possible have borderline personality disorder (BPD) and was sent home with an antidepressant because she also acknowledged i was depressed.
A little over a week I went into hospital because i was suicidal because of my depression. It was there i met my psychiatrist for the first time, who saw me for five minutes, said i was depressed and put me into hospital.  While I was there, I called my husband on the public phone.  He was on a mobile and i had to raise my voice so he could hear me.  The nurse who walked past thought i was having an argument and wrote it down in my chart.
The next time I saw the doctor she saw me for five minutes she said she was reporting me to the SCAN team (suspected child abuse and neglect team) which she told me was routine for her patients and was nothing to worry about.  Later a nurse told me this was not true and after talking to other nurses, patients and another psychiatrist, I found out it was definitely not true that it was routine.
The next time I saw her, I confronted her and she said it was routine – it was routine for all patients with BPD.  I asked her why she reported me then, when i don’t have it and she turned around and said that i did have it.  I told her that I knew what it was because both my husband and my best friend have it, and I know what it is all too well and i definitely don’t have it.
Her first response was to try many times to change the subject. When that failed she admitted that I don’t have enough of the symptoms for a full diagnosis but that she believes with time, I will show the other symptoms.
There are nine criteria for BPD and it is mainly a mental illness of emotional problems – uncontrollable rages, wild sudden mood swings, unstable identity, unstable relationships, etc.  We agreed on one thing – Ihave on symptom – self harm.  She said she believes that I have anger problems (based on the comment the nurse said about me raising my voice on the phone so i could be heard) and that I have unstable relationships (based entirely on my relationship with my husband which is of course unstable as he really does have BPD) – all of my other relationships are incredibly stable.
I said to her, even if those are true, that is only three things – you need a minimum of five symptoms and one  has to be wild mood swings which i don’t have. So in the end she agreed, that i may not have BPD but she hasn’t known me long enough to tell. So rather than say I don’t have BPD until she knows me long enough to diagnose me, she will assume I have it until she knows me well enough to prove otherwise.
It is like saying someone has something like schizophrenia because they are depressed and until they prove otherwise they will be labelled with schizophrenia.
Several counsellors have told me to just ignore it and with time the shrink will see that i don’t have BPD but it is too late – the damage is done. Because she has assumed i have BPD until i prove i don’t, and she has to report mothers with BPD to the SCAN team because mothers with BPD are at a higher risk of abusing or neglecting their children than mothers without a mental illness.
So now on top of having to drop out of uni for the semester and feeling like a failure already as well as having to cope with depression and anxiety, i have to live with the fear that i will be paid a visit from family services soon, where i will have to prove that i am not abusing or neglecting my daughter and won’t in the future.  I mean how does one prove one’s future actions anyway???
now does everyone understand why i am so hurt and angry.???
even the shrink admits that i might not have BPD but because she thought for sure I had BPD based on abusive and biased nurses opinons of me before she knew me at all, and when the diagnosis is definite she has to report it, the damage is done.
the sad thing is, i will never even be able to get her to tell them any different because i only see her one more time before she moves on and i get a different psychiatrist. so she will never be able to tell them for sure i don’t have it.
does this all make sense? sorry if it doesnt
it just hurts so much that even when she admitted i might not have BPD she still thought, even though i would never abuse my daughter, she still thinks i might neglect her through my depression. which i would never do. even in the pits of my utter despair when i can’t even move, i still take care of all my daughter’s need before collapsing in a crying sobbing heap where she can’t hear me.
Posted: Jun 8 2002, 09:58 PM

you are right. that is why the psychiatrist won’t listen to me – because not believing it is a symptom. but if you don’t have it of course you are not going to believe it either. catch 22 situation. But people around me, like my husband and family have all said it is nonsense too because they are the ones who know me and have lived with me and i have always been described as the calmest most stable person in my family, so it isn’t just me not liking what the shrink has said. i mean i am not denying i might have a personality disorder – i have read through the criteria for different personality disorders and have done a few pen and paper psych quizzes on personality disorders and have had moderate scores on a few but BPD always comes as little to no chance of describing me.
what is more annoying – i have never actually had a “session” with my psychiatrist. our first session was missed because i got told the wrong day on the phone and the appointment card was sent to my old address. and the second session she was away sick and the guy who filled in was an hour late so my appt was cut from one hour to half an hour of which he spent at least 20 mins on the phone responding to his pager.  The third time, they could only book me a half hour session (even though the first time you see the psychiatrist they say you get an hour session) which they cancelled because i couldn’t be seen in the outpatient section while i was an inpatient (because i was in hospital at that time).
So  I have only ever met my doctor a few times briefly as an inpatient, while she saw lots of patients, one after each other, each for only a few minutes, and during these extremely brief times all she asked was if i was suicidal or felt like self harming.  She even mixed up my name the second time I saw her because even though she had admitted me after seeing me for just a few minutes the day before, she mixed me up with another patient.  The only time I got to speak to her for more than a few minutes was the day i got discharged and asked why she said I had BPD when she had never had a chance to talk to me about anything or diagnose me properly and even then she did her hardest to avoid the subject and admitted she didnt know me well enough.
but she still didn’t take it back. i have to prove that i don’t have it. so how does one prove they don’t have a particular disorder? especially when even the slightest thing (such as raised voice on a phone) is twisted around to fit into the diagnosis?

Birthday Post Posted: Jun 16 2002, 05:13 PM

thank you guys so much.
i thought no one knew except [names removed] so i wasn’t expecting much.
at least they let me out of hospital on my birthday. they wanted me to stay. been back in twice since then. i don’t know – thanks for all the kind thoughts.
i just wished it had been happy. i spent all morning begging to be allowed to go home. and spent all afternoon sleeping and then all night crying because i had been in hospital and felt worse not bettter.
thank you so much for caring

i feel so guilty, what right do i have to feel sad Posted: Jun 16 2002, 06:25 PM

i read everyone else’s stories and i just think what is wrong with me? what right do i have to feel so sad?
i don’t even know why i feel the way i do. i keep on having thoughts of hurting myself but i don’t know where they come from. i hurt myself even when i don’t want to. what is wrong with me?
why am i so sad for no reason?
why do i want to hurt myself?
why does everyone jkeep asking me why?
I DON’T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted: Jun 17 2002, 01:37 AM
thank you guys.
i understand what you mean [name removed] when you say about not getting better. sometimes it feels like my depression is punishment for not being good enough. sometimes i don’t want to get better because i feel i don’t deserve to be happy. i feel like it is a fair punishment for not being what everyone wants me to be.
does that even make sense.

my soul, i feel like it is being destroyed Posted: Jun 18 2002, 03:08 PM

I have never liked my life.  Everything i do goes wrong.
I thought I was smart, but i still fail uni anyway.
I was good at my sport, but i injured myself three years ago and will never be good again.
All that left was my dream of being a mother.  I was so happy when i found out i was having a baby.  And after she was born, those first few weeks were the only time i have ever been truly completely happy.  I was so proud of having my daughter. She means the world to me.
It was the one thing in my life that went right. Looking after her was the only thing that i could do right and never did wrong. I was so proud of myself.
Then the doctor goes and reports me to the SCAN team (suspected child abuse and neglect team).  After meeting me in person once for five minutes.  She did this based on things that others said about me that weren’t true.  Like a night i rang the hospital because i couldn’t cope because my husband was going off at me – the nurse wrote down she could hear our daughter crying in the background. She wasn’t even there – she was staying at my grandmother’s that night.  So she reported me based on a bunch of lies and half truths.
I thought at least if she had done it based on the fact that my husband can become aggressive, i would have understood.  But after meeting with her a few more times while i was in hospital she told me that in her professional opinion that she believes i will hurt or neglect my daughter.
i would never do anything like that. not even neglect her. she says its because i hurt myself but even when i do that, it is only when my daughter is away. never with her there. i would never do anything with her with me.
now i am constantly second guessing myself. questioning my every move when my daughter is here. i am scared to even look after in case something i do gets called neglect or abuse.
they have destroyed me. taken away the only thing in my life that brought me happiness. i wanted a big family. now i don’t even have happiness in the family i have now.
i was so proud of my mothering skills and they have taken that pride away. i have nothing left to make me happy. i have nothing left at all
Posted: Jun 19 2002, 11:35 AM

there is a PND system in the local hospital – i don’t qualify because i have “normal” depression not PND. great logic isn’t it? NOT
I have beeen planning to attend a PND support group which unfortunately is on the other side of town but that wasn’t going to stop. What has stopped is being stuck in hospital or having doctors appointments that i couldn’t change the time. BEtter luck this friday.
And i have done parenting course. i did all the silly antenatal classes that proved useless, i do what i can through my local child health centre where my daughter goes for monthly checkups, i am starting to go to a playgroup next week now that i don’t have to worry about it clashing with uni and i have studied a whole bunch of early childhood stuff in my degree at uni.  Psychology was my major and within that i studied two main things – developmental pschology (infant, child, and adolescent) and clinical pschology.  I could teach the parenting courses!!!!!
So that leaves me back where i started. I have done everything i can to prove to my stupid shrink i am more than capable and it is still not enough for her.  I am not scared of family services – i can show them that i can do a good job.  But it is that constant feeling of someone watching over my shoulder, waiting for me to make the slightest little mistake that i can’t cope with.
I know i won’t make a mistake but it is that constant checking and double checking and constantly second guessing myself that is sending me over the edge and i don’t know how to deal with that.
i should just shut up. everyone is probably sick of me by now
now my shrink tells me trusts me with my daughter.
like that helps.
like that can take away the scars on my arm or the constant nausea from one too many overdoses.
like it can take away the pain my husband suffered when i tried to kill myself so many times over it.
thinks changing her mind can make things better.
too late.
the damage is done.
just thank God it wasn’t permanent damage before she changed her mind
The cliff of D, i am standing on the edge

Posted: Jun 18 2002, 02:35 PM

I feel like i am standing on the edge of a really high cliff with jagged harsh rocks at the bottom.
I stand here not caring if i fall.
The slightest thing could push me over.  I want someone to reach out and pull me back but all those who have done that so far have just pushed me closer to the edge.
i don’t want to fall but i don’t know how to step back.
i just want someone to save me

CBT, what’s the big deal? Posted: Jun 18 2002, 01:31 AM

Let me first say I have spent the last four years studying psychology with a special interest in clinical psychology so I know thoroughly what CBT is.
Everyone says that most psychiatrists and doctors don’t bother with it and only psychologists do.  I have found that to be totally the opposite.  Every doctor and psychiatrist and nurse and social worker and psychologist i have seen all love to shove CBT down my throat. and unlike other’s people’s doctors, they all try their hardest to not put me on medication until i completely breakdown and can’t live without it.
they just don’t get the concept that CBT doesn’t work for everyone. i get tired of them bringing it up time and time again – i’ve given it six years to work and the negative thoughts always win over the positive thoughts – for every positive thought i can come with, i can think of a hundred more rational negative ones. it just doesn’t work for me and they just don’t listen.
i had to fight each time to, firstly be put on medication and then to change when it didn’t work. The doctors did their hardest to keep me off medication and then to stay on ones that didn’t work. At least now that i am on a decent one it sort of works.
i do need therapy but CBT isn’t the way to go for me personally. is there anything else out there that shrinks will do?
sorry if i am raving but i feel like i am raving mad and i need help and i am sick of the same stupid suggestions that never work
Posted: Jun 18 2002, 02:28 PM

thanks for your thoughts everyone.
i am just getting so frustrated.  even the psychologist i have seen is obsessed with CBT and is the only treatment she will offer me when i finally get to see her again in a few months.  The GP i was seeing had other qualifications so she knew what she doing with it but it just didn’t help.
The whole rotten lot are hooked on the idea that CBT works for most people so they won’t try anything else.
So i am stuck.  I can’t afford to see anyone else because I have tried all the free or affordable psychologists and psychiatrists and counsellors i can find. there are none left for me to try unless i win the lotto.
aaaaarrrghghhhhhhhh
i have tried about a dozen GPs.  All the ones that they refer to me that supposedly bulk bill aren’t bulk billing new patients. i have run every psychiatrist in the phone book that i can get to and the story is the same. most aren’t taking new patients and the ones that are have months wait and aren’t bulk billing new patients.
I have an appointment with one in late october who is willing to negotiate a fee.
Posted: Jun 21 2002, 10:04 PM

its the rotten community health centres that i am sick of.  they are the only people who will see me for free (unless i wait til mid october).  i am in the worst area on the north of brisbane and of course because of where i live, i have to go that centre. if i lived 100 m down the road i could see someone else but that is the stupid system
the psychiatrists stuff you around and the best time between appointments is three weeks in extreme situations and six weeks normally (even if they think you need to see them more often). i don’t like my psychiatrist or psychiatric consultant. i get a new psych next month (and i mean brand new – new at it) but the consultant stays the same and he is an arrogant jerk and i can’t ask for anyone else because the only other consultant is the one my husband is seeing and i can’t go anywhere else because i am not in their area.
the psychologist has at least a four month wait. and she is real cow anyway and would see her again if you paid me to. again she is the only one at my local community health centre and i can’t be seen elsewhere.
so that leaves the private system.  i have the choice between a shrink i can’t afford in four weeks or one i can afford in october.

Just a quick word, cya guys Posted: Jun 24 2002, 07:57 PM

I am going away to hospital for one night maybe more. i don’t know yet. depends on what they say. they are either going to boot me out with no help again or make me involuntary. it could be either. just in case i get made to stay, i want to say goodbye for a while and thanks to all those who care.

Thank you, thanks to all you caring people Posted: Jun 26 2002, 02:08 AM

it only ended up being a one night stay. i couldn’t say why yesterday but i can now that it is past (i think i am allowed to say it???). I took the biggest overdose i have ever taken and my husband took me up to the hospital.  They kept me in the medical section until i was just barely able to walk – still shaking really badly (spasming is probably a better description).
They then put me in the emergency psych rooms which is horrible little room with four beds squeezed in which made me so claustrophic.  They said the doctor would see me at 8:30am. apparently no one told him that he was on so it was 11:00 before they got a replacement and midday before he saw me.  At least he was really nice.  I had seen him once before when i had been to that hospital after an overdose.  He was really nice, let me talk and actually listened.  He wanted me to stay but even if i had wanted to stay in there (which i didn’t because the psych ward in that hospital is crap) they didn’t have any beds and wouldn’t have admitted me because i am not in their catchment area (by 100m).  So he organised me to see my psychiatrist at the hospital that is in my area. So i left, still half out it and still having the occasional spasm, feeling nauseas and really bad stomach cramps (don’t know what idiot said i was medically ok because i sure wasn’t!!!)
So i saw my psychiatrist and she didn’t admit me (thank goodness) despite the fact that she had threatened if i did it again that i would get made an involuntary patient.  She agreed with me (finally) that hospital would only make me worse not better.  And i finally had the courage to say that seeing her was what had upset me in the first place.  And that seeing shrinks and doctors always is what upsets and causes me to do stuff.
But it still comes down to the same old story.  As far as she is concerned, they are just going to keep shovelling me medication until i can see someone privately.  She won’t help me with therapy herself – if i want that i have to see someone privately.  which (surprise, surprise – NOT!) i still can’t afford. my financial situation hasn’t changed, i am still a student with a baby and an unemployed husband with many many old debts.
I get sick of being told to prioritise my money. gee what should i skip this week? the electricity, the rent or food?  let me see – i pick food.  oooh that still doesn’t leave me enough, have to borrow some money before i get booted out of home for falling any further behind on the rent. i have been to financial counsellors – they just tell me i am doing a better job than they could even do.  Maybe i should do that as a career then.  but get the point?
my psychiatrist doesn’t. she doesn’t understand that if i had  a week to throw away i would prefer not to be borrowing money all the time to afford to pay my rent and bills.  Its not my fault my husband came with so many debts but we still have to pay them off.  But anyway i still can’t even get into see the shrink for another month anyway. and he is the cheapest around that i wouldn’t have to travel at least an hour to see.
anyway i am off now. going to try to sleep off the rest of the effects – still feeling it 24 hours later which is a first for me. don’t know if i will actually sleep though – not allowed any medication at all for three days – even sleeping tablets. but i will try.
thanks for everyone who cared though. thank you guys so much
Posted: Jun 26 2002, 01:57 PM

thought about a disability pension – my shrink won’t go for it because she thinks i can work just fine (and i can – i just can’t find a job). but we are thinking of doing the reverse.  my husband’s shrink thinks he can’t cope with working so next time he sees him (in four weeks’ time) he hopefully will organise for my hubby to get the disabilty pension and me the carer’s pension.  Unfortunately I don’t think it will make much difference though because I already get student discounts and that doesn’t add up to much – the pensioner discount is roughly the same.
i really am a pessimist aren’t i?
i think the only difference it will make is to our dog registration (the payment itself exactly the same as what we get now because the partnered rate on all payments is the same except youth allowance which is less).  Any other discounts i already get for being a student.
the only difference it will make is only having to put in a centrelink form once a year instead of four times a year. this could be good or could be just the incentive my husband needs to stop looking for work altogether which is a very very bad thing. because i know he can work.

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